What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?