Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."