I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar