I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."