Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...