The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'