My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!