Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.