Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I really hate straws.
They suck.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.