My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.