My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!