"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!