I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.