My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice