I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.