Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.