Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.