I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.