Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
All farts...are laughing gas.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.