I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!