I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.