Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.