When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.