What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.