Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.