The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.