Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.