The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.