This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.