Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.