I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them