Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Only a**holes use bidets.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.