Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."