Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.