Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.