What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.