I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.