I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.