My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Only a**holes use bidets.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.