How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.