If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.