My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Only a**holes use bidets.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'