I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.