What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Only a**holes use bidets.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.