What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Dialysis is a blood bath.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.