I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.