My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."