What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.