A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.