I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.