I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
All farts...are laughing gas.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Only a**holes use bidets.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.