If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.