I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
All farts...are laughing gas.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.