A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.