What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.