You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure