What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
All farts...are laughing gas.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.