I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
All farts...are laughing gas.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.