I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!