The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.