Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!