She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.