My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."