What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!