I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.