A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.