Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!