My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.