My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.