A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.