My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.