My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
The sun is just a big space heater.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.