Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!