My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm