They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm