On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!