I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.