When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.