I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.