What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"