Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting