I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance