One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?