How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.