I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?