A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.