You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.