Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.