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Me

I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."
They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."