Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
You're such a TEAse.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
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