I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
You're just my cup of tea!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
I love you from my head tomatoes.
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