What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I get a real kick out of you.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
Rudder valve reversals
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I like long runs on the beach.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
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