How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
You should see what I can do with ice.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
I'd love to see you s'more.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
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