According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
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