"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
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