Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
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