What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Let’s take an elfie.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
"For peep's sake."
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
The ocean made me salty.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
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