Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
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