My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.

The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.

Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.

What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.

I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.

Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.

Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.

What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.

Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.

What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.

What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.

How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!

Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.

“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill

Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.

What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.

Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.

A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.

Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.

What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.

What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!

When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.

What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

Knock knock…

Who’s there?

Voodoo.

Voodoo who?

Voodoo you think you are?

What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.

What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!

You look good on your yoga mat.

Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.

My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.

Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.

What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.

Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.

What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.

How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.