Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
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